The Ultimate Apathy Off
by Crymsyn Moon
Summary: One day, the two genius ninja, Naruto and Kiba, get a brilliant idea. What is it? To create a competition among the most emotionless ninja, in hopes of finding who can keep his emotions underwraps the longest! Contains profanity and audlt themes?


Warning: This story contains profanity and adult themes(?)

The Ultimate 'Apathy Off' 

**Disclaimer** – Guess what? I _DO_ own Naruto. Wait . . . no sorry I own Garuto (the mutant bastard son of Gaara and Naruto. Yeah that's the result you stupid yoai writers.) Luckily Garuto will sell well on eBay. Anyhow, I guess I don't own Naruto. So that's the end of this, um what was it, oh yeah a disclaimer. Now on to the actual story.

On one fateful day, Naruto got together with Kiba for a prankster brainstorm. After a long afternoon the two came up with a single idea. But oh what a glorious idea it was. The next day they went around collecting the most emotionless of the Konoha's ninja (as well as one from Suna). When all were finally brought together, the gathered nins looked around. The following were present: Shino, Neji, Gaara, Sasuke, Shikamaru, as well as the two masterminds Naruto and Kiba. The first to speak was the so called avenger. (In my story Sasuke returned after killing Orochimaru and gave up on Itachi)

Sasuke: Hey, idiot, why are we here?

Naruto: Well we've decided to have a competition.

Shikamaru: What do you mean by "competition?"

Kiba: We're having an "Apathy Off," to see which one of you emotionless bastards can keep a straight face the longest.

Shino: Do we have to?

Kiba: Yes, yes you do.

Gaara: I'm leaving.

Naruto: Wait, hold on. If you win you get a super mystery prize.

Kiba: Now that we have your attention, let's begin.

Kiba proceeds to whip out a kunai and stab Naruto in the neck. There is absolutely no reaction from the other nin. The shanked Naruto proceeded to disappear in a puff of smoke. The real Naruto then jumped out of hiding from behind a tree.

Naruto: What the hell! Nobody cares if I die?

Sasuke: I could easily see it was a shadow clone, idiot. I have the sharingan.

Shino: How did I know it was a clone? My kikaichu told me a second you were hiding over there. When Kiba stabbed you, I put two and two together.

Neji: I could easily see where you were hiding. I came to the same conclusion as Shino.

Shika: your specialty is shadow clones. If Kiba planned to stab you then it would obviously be a clone. You don't have to be a genius to figure that out.

Naruto: What about you Gaara?

Gaara: You were right. I don't care if you die.

Kiba: Okay . . . moving on. These next challenges are specialized for cracking one person, but you'll all have to endure it as well. First off is . . . let's see um . . . Neji!

Naruto: Okay come on out!

And in a flash, Rock Lee popped out. Before anyone could ask what the hell was going on, Naruto started playing cheesy porno music (you know the kind) and Lee started stripping. To say the least, it was horrible. When he finished, Lee picked up his clothes and went streaking through Konoha in the "youth." No one showed it, but they were all horribly sick. Neji simply opened his mouth and vomited.

Kiba: Wow, he threw up without losing his composure. That's actually really impressive.

Naruto: Hahaha . . . nice trick, but next time you want me to hold your hair back, pretty boy?

A few minutes and 64 closed chakra points later . . .

Kiba: Well, Neji, for obviously showing anger, a lot of anger, you lose. On the bright side, Naruto will be spending the rest of the competition face down in the dirt.

Neji: Worth it. I'm going to stick around to see who wins.

Kiba: Next up is Gaara.

And so Kiba left to return with Temari in tow. And much to her little brother's dismay she started stripping. She ended right before taking off her black and white stripped thong.

Gaara: You guys are really sick. Really, really sick.

Kiba: But you still didn't show any emotions. However, judging by that smirk and nosebleed, Shikamaru is out. Unconscious or not it counts. I think I need to take him to a hospital before he dies of blood loss. Like, right now.

Kankuro: Hey guys, am I late?

Kankuro showed up wearing nothing but a thong, identical to Temari's. And in response to that Gaara threw up, without showing any emotion.

Temari: Damn it Kankuro, stop stealing my clothes . . . and my make up . . . and my dolls!

Gaara: Fucking sick.

Kiba: Seriously, how the hell do you do that? I'll have to ask Neji to teach me.

Naruto: Okay then, I should probably take over. Sasuke, you're next.

Neji: Wait, how is he moving?

Before Neji could confront Naruto, he left and returned with Sai. Naruto hit the music and Sai started (you guessed it) stripping. Sasuke stood there blankly for a second then . . .

Sasuke: That creepy smile . . . the pale skin . . . Noooo! No, Orochimaru no! I don't want your "power." It hurts. Get it away from me! Nooo!

And from there on Sasuke rolled into the fetal position and began sobbing uncontrollably.

Kiba: I'm back. Shika's gonna be fine. How did Sasuke handle . . . Holy shit, what happened?

Naruto: I'm just going to take him to a psychiatrist real quick.

Kiba: 'Kay, so Gaara and Shino are left. Well Shino you're –

Shino: Are all of these "challenges" just people stripping? They are, aren't they?

Kiba: Now that you mention it, yeah they sorta are.

Shino: So what did you plan to do if all the male strippers don't get a reaction from us?

Kiba: We bring in the girls. It obviously worked well on Shika. We got most of them; Sakura, Ino, Tenten, Anko, Hinata, Shizune, even Tsunade.

Shino: . . . Hinata?

Neji: You're going to get Hinata to strip? Uncle Hiashi is going to murder you.

Gaara: Uncle? U-Uncle?

And at that point Gaara burst into tears and clutched at his forehead.

Kiba: Huh. So I guess Shino wins. Too bad, I was looking forward to seeing Hinata and Tsunade strip.

Shino: Didn't Naruto say there was a prize?

Naruto: I'm back. Prize? You get to walk away with your dignity intact. Which is more than you can say for everyone else.

Shino: Good point.

Naruto: So, I already paid the girls in advance. Anyone who's not emotionally shattered feel like finishing the show at my place?

Shino: So basically me, you, Kiba and Neji?

Kiba: Hell yeah! Great idea.

Neji: You said Tenten right? Count me in!

Shino: Should I go? Might as well.

And so everyone who wasn't hospitalized ended the night with one hell of a party.

**(A/N) So, the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Please review. And to those offended by my yoai bashing in the disclaimer, good I hate what you write. But no offense (not much any ways) Just don't flame me for my opnion.**


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